Keeping your relationship in the green

I did a post that outlined the needs of a man in a relationship and another that outlined the needs of a woman in a relationship. It is funny to see how people reacted to each post. One thing that is clear, we all want to have our relationships work from day one, our inner hopes are that there should be no conflict. Question is; how does it all come together? How do we make things work on BOTH ends?

You’re the head, be the constant

A successful business man/husband/father once told me “women are empty cans just waiting to be filled, if you don’t do it, then she will find another source to fill herself”. Before the ladies go blowing their hats off, this one is for the guys. Out of my own experience, many times in our conflicts, I have had to listen keenly to what my wife is saying and more importantly and what she is not saying so that I can have the full picture. I found that it is important to base all my decisions on a personal value system. These are my core beliefs and attributes that make up my character. This way, with time she comes to understand how I operate, how I think and whenever there is conflict, she can predict my stand on various issues. This is essential because the woman will also build her foundation in the relationship based on this core system.

“This is who I am, deal with it!”

This is a toe-stepping one, but I’ll go ahead with it anyway. You find many times in relationships now days, we want the other party to understand us first. Ladies are party to this most of the time, and in many cases without knowing so here’s why. The area of love and relationships is a woman’s world because women are naturally wired to relate. They have the marking scheme, they are the SI unit. Hence many-a-times the man must figure her out because he doesn’t want to get it wrong. Early on in our relationship I told my wife (back then she was my girlfriend) “I don’t know how to love you the way you want or expect, you need to allow me to love you the way I know how to”. I was afraid she would tell me that I needed to understand her but she didn’t tell me “this is who I am, deal with it”. She accepted my offer and from there we worked on how to love each other and how to show it to each other the best way we liked it.

Mothering and birthing

The same process as is for pregnancy, works for anything in a marriage. I encourage many young men in a marriage to take advantage of a woman’s ability to work on what was initially his idea and she gives it meaning and life. Guys you must respect that this ability that she has allows for her to give meaning to your marriage, your relationship, your business idea, your ‘seed’. And ladies need to realise that this guy rambling about a business idea, a thing he wants to do in the relationship, a major project of sorts, is his way of saying, here is a thing I want to do for you, how can we make it happen? In an earlier post I stated, “Women reciprocate what you give them”, based on this statement, I dare say that a woman is incapable of loving a man unless he loves her first.

So let’s give it a shot. Listen to your partner more often. Before you go and say how your needs are not being met, first look at how you are meeting your partner’s needs. For those that have employed these pointers in their relationships, they can tell you, they have no regrets. Dating, and marriage is always two way traffic.

Further Reading:

His Needs

Her Needs