After my first post on Love Dare, here is what I learnt in Lesson 1.
Love is real. It is. When you get sweaty palms, palpitations of the heart, muddiness of speech, well, that could also because you’re high on a substance. Many writers and counselors tell you that this feeling is bound to die, and you’re just infatuated or lusting. Not real love. But then is there something like Love at first sight? I digress, that topic is for another day.
When you first start dating, things seem lovely. Fun as a fairy tale. This guy/girl is sent from wherever they come from and seems to complete you. The first few months are all fine and dandy, you accept that you are different people and accommodate each other. Then somewhere along the way, things begin to irritate you about your boy/girlfriend. Here, you have an open window to talk about these things. It could be talking with food in your mouth, so much time spent at work, or whatever. But somehow you manage to get through these slight irritations, why? Deep down we know that they are not perfect.
“He who is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who is quick-tempered exalts folly” Proverbs 14:29
Something happens after a while when you’re married (traditionally, officially, de-facto, whatever the case, you’ve been together long enough). See we as humans generally have very high expectations of each other: Our friends, parents, co workers, spouse etc. I theorize that we expect those who are close to us to know our thoughts, feelings, emotions, and all things that affect us and that they will treat us right.
The highest expectation is with the spouse. In my case, sometimes when conflict would arise I would just wish that things would go back to the way they used to be in the beginning. I knew that once the fight is over, we would have something close to that “fun as a fairy tale” feeling. Sometimes it is all I wanted. So what influences this feeling? What allows us to get over conflict? It is an aspect of love that not many people consider and it is so simple. Patience.
“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love” – Ephesians 4:2
Patience with your spouse is all you need. See in times of conflict, hurt and/or pain, we are tempted to say/do things that we might regret later. Patience with your spouse basically points to the fact that they are not perfect. Just like you accepted them at the start of the relationship when you were dating, it is important to remind yourself of this every day.
Anger is usually what rears its ugly head when we are not patient and it makes us say/do things that we don’t intend to. This begs the question: Can your spouse count on you being patient with them? When she asks for “5 more minutes” are you going to keep honking your horn while revving the car engine? You and I know that you wont leave her behind. Can he count on you not letting off on him when he forgets to come with some milk because he worked late? He already feels bad enough that breakfast will be less interesting the next morning.
Think of this journey of marriage as a marathon, not a short sprint that most younginns do. Don’t get caught into the thought that marriage will be perfect from the start. Patience with your spouse is necessary to get from one happy photo to the next. It will help avert some conflict, it will help you understand and listen. Nobody wants their home to be a war zone.
THIS WEEK’S DARE: Love is communicated in several ways, but most often through our words. What you say reflects the condition of your heart. Dare to say nothing negative to your spouse, even when provoked and you have nothing positive to say, chose to say nothing at all. It is worse when you say something that you cannot take back.
- Love Dare, re-discovering love – An introduction (samkitots.wordpress.com)
- Relationship deal breakers, the solution to getting past them (samkitots.wordpress.com)
- Keeping your relationship in the green (samkitots.wordpress.com)
- Am I ready for love? Part 2 – Love is blind (samkitots.wordpress.com)