This has been a very interesting couple of weeks, I haven’t written much I was busy sorting out my emotions on a lot of family chaos, between a custody case, my sister’s ruracio (or equivalent) happened and re-organizing the business, it has been an emotional journey. I have missed you all. Let me take a cup of tea I come we talk some more.

How have y’all been? Now my note today will be on a topic that we had the privilege of adding our voice to the very wise Mr. O was on a panel well if you missed it eerrrrrmmmm pole. This is my piece on the many questions that came up. If you are in Nairobi pass by Mavuno Church on Saturday for an amazing session with @Pastor_wa, this guy ooozzzeesss wisdom on relationships.

Women are their own worst enemies. (Blocks cute heels thrown at me, puts it in my handbag and proceeds). Yes I think I only dumped one guy lol, sips more tea… yummy. I realized the problem- pay attention ladies- my mind was my problem, I wanted a put together man, like my friends men, (this is because my friend says nothing bad about the boyfriend and husbands) I only got praise reports and I wondered why mine is such a bad man. I went to my girls with my problems and I left with a bag full of advise that I put to the test when that didn’t work I cried buckets. No I am not saying you throw away your girls, am just saying use a lot of seasoning to all that you are told. BOMA NI YA NANI?

“ladies, know thy self”

Watch your mum, have you heard her speak to your dad? Ok here is an example, I know a man whose wife wakes up to cook breakfast, this is not eggs benedicts and sausage, this is rice, vegies, beans, sweet potatoes, arrow roots, tea, cereal. Yes she cooks it all from scratch, are they newlyweds far from it, they have been married a good thirty years. She seats with him as he eats and gently addresses him I watched and took notes. Am not a breakfast person, but am sure as hell a night person. Treat your man like a King, speak to him like a valuable sultan and watch the foolishness disappear. We all believed our parents were fools and mostly our mothers were oppressed. That is why we strive so hard to be independent.

“Women are their own worst enemies”

Stop playing with Daisies…. Mmmmmhhhmmm he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, this game of pata potea will destroy you plus the uncertainty is just going to accelerate the ulcers your boss gave you. What are you bringing to the table? Ok I will say something that is so controversial (Yes hun throw the other cute shoe al sell them), your baggage should be acceptable at this table as he should be able to take you to God and help you dump it at the cross. Some of us have baggage that we seem not to be able to get rid of but this guy can help? Whatchu think. If you bring baggage it is only fair he brings it? no preferential treatment for you. You should sort each other out. Better yet, go for counseling together, this is probably the single best piece of advice you will ever get. Counseling is not for broken people; it is for people who recognize that they need to see a professional for a non-biased opinion. DO YOU KNOW WHAT BAGGAGE YOU HAVE? If not wahhhhh, close down for renovation you aint ready to play this field. We want our own money; we do not want to depend on this man who earns far less than me. Oh, they JOY it brings to a man to pay bus fare for his kichuna. Humility will kill you?  Let him be the man, he wont ask for help, it is all good for him, your work is to encourage and boost his ego. DO NOT LIE to him, but do not crush him.

“we are so envious of the youngies getting married, as we go home to hug the fridge”

Men in Nairobi are hurt and they are walking around scared behind those dapper outfits. Scared of Miss Independent who knows herself, knows where she is going, what she wants, how she wants it, when she wants it. She has no need for him. Maybe just as a toy, a human being to scratch an itch and she is ok. But, ladies that is not true, we are so envious of the youngies getting married, as we go home to hug the fridge. We yearn for companionship, conversations that ascertain we are normal, someone to annoy you but still remind you how precious you are. Why do we push them away?  More so why destroy a man, one of my pastors told us a long time ago. Be so nice to your girl/boyfriend, that when you break up you can send your current to have tea with your ex and they have only good things to say about you. KNOW WHAT YOU WANT. My sister reminded me of my irreducible minimums, lowest common denominator, things that should not change my mind about a man and for ME those were:

  1. Provider, a man has the potential to support our family and me; he should have a job, or can make ends meet.
  2. Priest, he should be able to pray over me, cover me, in prayer.
  3. Protector, ewooohhh beat that ex to a pulp, lol… honestly he should be able to protect me coz yes am his, I belong to him. If he is non of the above I calmly walk away.

Woi there is this time I was dating a man, who insisted that I take him to his brother’s party after a long day at work, getting to the area I was hungry and tired, he did not know his brother’s house and this vexed me. I suggested we wait at a near by bar as I ordered something to eat and as he called his brother, we had an argument and he left, yes left me alone in a bar, alone with a lot of my photography gear. Yes the man, who was an excellent priest, he prayed over me, struggled in a very sweet way to be a provider failed to protect me. For me, this was an irreducible minimum. For someone else it is not a big deal.  (probably)

“Be kind to your partner because  if you break up, one day your new partner might call them up for a date and they’ll talk about you”

So ladies, know thy self. If you really and honestly want a man, open the closet written FRIEND ONLY. You are not attracted to him, let him go, do not call him when you are in a fix, do the independent thing, do not waste his time. The bible says in Proverbs 31;30 Charm is deceitful and beauty fades…; you love him as a friend? He is perfect for a husband. When the feelings fade, if he is in a fire and the good looks disappear? What then, but he makes you laugh, you can talk about the paint about anything really he is a keeper.


One thought on “Romance reset… a mental note by @SunnyLikeNjeri

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