A lady friend of mine once said “you know guys don’t understand that girls can cheat without the guy even knowing”. I agree with her 100%.

In my last post I gave a broad overview of a man’s top five needs in a relationship, these are the things that a man finds key in a relationship that will keep him on “zero grazing mode”. The responses came in droves asking for the other side of the coin i.e. what would make a woman cheat on her man? In many cases, the answer is simple, when you don’t meet her emotional needs.

In the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, the writer alludes to the fact that men traveled to Venus to be with the amazing inhabitants of the planet. This depiction points to what happens in real life – A man will chase to be with the woman; however he has no idea how to treat her so that he can get treated like a king in his home. Gents, someone once told me “A woman will always reciprocate what you give her” i.e. if you give her love as she wants to be loved, she will give you love as you want her to. If you give her crap…. yeah, you get it.

Generally as guys, there is the wrong expectation that the ladies will see the effort in chasing them down and that she will be bamboozled by his presence and then automatically know how to treat us. Well, the truth of the matter is, dating and marriage is a discovery journey where the women have a headstart. In no particular order, here are some key things that will help you keep the woman of your dreams (in zero grazing mode)…

Affection

According to Webster, Affection means tender attachment. In a man’s mind this translates to she wants uncalled attention. And you find that for him, this may include, random flowers delivered to the office, or phone call to see how she is doing, going for a romantic walk, taking her shopping etc. Don’t get me wrong gents whereas these are very good things to do, i.e. events, this affection that she craves is not an event, it isn’t a date or sending flowers on her birthday. You need to build an environment where the affection will flow naturally. Realise that as you create an environment where you constantly affirm and appreciate your woman, it then becomes easier to engage in the “events” above.  Grab her hand and hold it, stroke her face and skin, gently touch her hair. And the ultimate- Hugs and kisses, they speak volumes too.  More tips here.

Conversation

Someone once likened the need to talk for a woman to a man’s need for sex. Her expectation of you is that when she needs to talk, she will find someone to talk to in you, just the same way you expect lingerie and perfume (or whatever makes you tick) when you want to “Get some”. Guys, if you don’t let her talk to you, she will find someone to listen elsewhere. Ladies are generally 5 times more conversational than men. This may come as a surprise for some guys because before the relationship gets serious, by listening, she is sizing you up, trying to find out if you can handle her skeletons. Also she is trying to figure out if you are gentleman enough to have the patience to get to know her. By the time you are official, you have told her everything, family, upbringing, dreams, ambitions, former relationships etc. i.e. you are all spoken out and it is now her turn. She may average 10-15 hours of talk time per week, as compared to a man’s 2-3 hours. Gents, this doesn’t mean letting her yap along. NO. This means engage her in conversation.  It is one of the most significant ways to fill her emotional tank, to fuel love to burn for a lifetime.  Communicate with her, Converse with her and do not belittle a word she says

Transparency

Openness and honesty gives her a sense of security. This one really rides on a woman’s 6th sense. If she feels like you have secrets, even if you don’t, she will have insecurity about your relationship. As she feels uneasy she’ll begin to ask questions, “Where were you?  What were you doing?  Who were you doing it with?” Then you will often feel like she’s prying into your private business.  Then you’ll pull the line, “Babe, kwani you don’t trust me.  Why are you asking me these questions?  What’s the matter?”  And this makes her feel even more insecure. She may begin to play mind games, “Well, if you’re not telling me the truth about this, what else are you hiding from me?” and that is where the battle is lost completely because once a woman starts with the mind games we as men will never understand what they are trying to get across. Now, both of your emotional tanks begin to drain, because she may begin to become clingier, and you’ll begin to withdraw even more, and it’s dumb because you’re forcing her to wake up in the middle of the night to go through your phone, sms, email, call logs etc. Be completely honest with her. It may seem like a foolish thing to do, but if you are able to work through such situations then you can face anything that comes your way. And she will appreciate you more for it.Ensure that her emotional tank is filled and love grows by being transparent with her.

Financial Security

If you want to get treated like a king (see previous post) then do what kings do; provide for their people. The need for financial security and support is deep and very serious for a woman. I read a quote once that said “Men carry wallets, women carry purses”  It means she’s prepared for every possible thing that can come her way whereas you’re prepared for the moment. If caught up in an unaffordable lifestyle, it creates insecurity because she thinks things like “What if he gets hurt?  What if I get sick?  What if I have a child?” Help her feel secure by picking up a lifestyle that is supported by only one paycheck. She may have her standards, but for the sake of love, she will start with you where you are and she will help you figure out how to get the dream. You see guys, not all girls are the gold diggers you make them out to be.

Physical Intimacy

Not much is spoken with regards to women and sex but the truth of the matter is God would not have designed something so beautiful for the sole enjoyment of one party. With the number of sugar mummies seeking out younger males there must be a reason for this. The problem is most men think it their right to sex in a relationship and do not make love. Women don’t want to just have sex, they want to make love. The cuddling afterwards, pecks and maybe some caressing. The fact that men and women are from different planets (Ref Men are from Mars Women are from Venus) means what a man likes in bed a woman may not necessarily appreciate.

Further Reading:

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

His needs, Her needs

Many thanks to my co-writer @Glo_Fish for proactive insight on the mind of a woman.

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9 thoughts on “So she cheated on you, here’s what you didn’t do

  1. I am impressed by you continued insights on men-women relationship. many times we take women for granted thus ending up in making them sexual objects than lovers and companions. keep writing for you will definitely help many people. Meryl mas

  2. Definetly remember this lol.. waking up in the middle of the night to go thru sms’s call logs etc.. and wondering to myself..”When did i become thIS woman? pretending to be fast asleep so I could go through my guy’s phones, 2 hours later.” .. and then ofcourse finding what I found and not saying anything about it for the next 3 months of mindgames.

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