In our first year of marriage, we fought a lot. During these fights I would take it on with a desire to sort the issue out immediately it crops up. Talk through every single step of how it came about and see where we went wrong. Whereas this sounds simple, it wasn’t her preferred method of resolving conflict. She preferred to wait, sit on it, let it marinate and then later on, talk about it. Unfortunately by this time, my short term memory will fail me and I found it very frustrating to try and remember the cause of the conflict and unfortunately she felt like I was pushing her to a corner when we tried to resolve immediately it happens.
We had to talk through this and I theorised one thing: stubbornness is a common basic feature in all versions of both husband and wife models. We are taught at a very early age to stand up for ourselves and defend our rights. Whereas this is good in some cases such as morals, values, faith etc., we sometimes waste a great deal of time piddling matters like; where to hang pictures, what to eat for dinner, where to go for a date, colour of bed sheets etc. Other things have higher stakes like when one spouse wants more kids, or preference of schooling system (home, public, private etc.)
Stubbornness does not allow us to see things from our spouse’s point of view. Many times, like I did, we end up dragging our spouse in our preferred direction. This not only hurts them more but causes dissension between the two of you. This tension caused by stubbornness can only be resolved by willingness.
“Do not merely look out for your [own] personal interests but for the interests of others”
A willingness to listen to your spouse’s point of view, realising that you don’t always have to win and it won’t hurt to try their way and if it doesn’t work, rather than gloat in their face with an I-told-you-so attitude encourage them to try your way. You see marriage is not about winning and the moment you realise, like I did that we are on the same side. Willingness to try out new things in your marriage will ward off fights that could be potentially harmful in marriage.
My wife and I were overjoyed when we started this out, first to prove to each other that the other was wrong, but as it turns out we both want what is best for each other, and we have nothing to prove when the other is wrong. The saying “behind every successful man is his wife” carries a load of meaning as both husband and wife have chosen to agree and listen to each other. Setting a common value system in faith, morals, values and beliefs will allow that willingness to spring forth a kind of love that lets the other person win.
THIS WEEK’S DARE
This week’s dare is a continuing one for every coming week. Choose to give in to an area where you and your spouse may have a disagreement and let them know that you are doing it WILLINGLY. As you give in, asses and journal your thoughts on their reaction and outcome.
- Love Dare, the journey (samkitots.wordpress.com)
- What on earth is wrong with this woman (thismansmind.wordpress.com)
- Her journey to one (heartofherthoughts.wordpress.com)