A Guest Post – by Greatrnk
One day I was, as usual, busy doing nothing and basically minding my own business when – out of nowhere – I was hit by cupid’s arrow. When you have been stopping these arrows with your left hand like Neo (in the matrix), it comes as a huge surprise that one (would) actually penetrate your breastplate that is meant to guard your heart and pierce through your heart like your breastplate was those tracing papers we used back in pre primary school. After the shock, you fall and due to the magical nature of these kind of arrows, you don’t fall to the ground but in love. Anyways, she is the reason the word ‘beautiful’ was coined. Her smile radiates my thoughts like rays of sunshine streaming through my bedroom window. Her big beautiful eyes are like stars, diamonds in the sky and her beauty is why God took rest on the 7th day. Ok, I digress.
So last night I whatsapp the girl in question that we shall henceforth call Betty. My good friend sleep takes me away before the reply comes. At the back of your mind, you should store this crucial information. Betty has me in the friend zone but I have formed a committee that is supposed to come up with ways in which I will get out of the friend zone. I wake up in the middle of the night and the reply never came. My phone almost makes contact with the wall at great speed, you would think my hand has been trained by a Gor Mahia fan but I decide to just say good night. The reply is immediate but that does not matter.
Today comes. It turns out that last night I was being punished for something. The good guy that I am, I decide to make amends. Flowers, chocolates, myself and everything nice are delivered to her and myself has a crammed apology on his tongue. Never mind that words evaporate because they are repelled by her beauty or something of the sort. She is impressed and proceeds to give me a kiss. The first one ever! My head spins and I am convinced I am out of the friend zone already. The thing with kissing is that there is that unwritten rule whereby you have to close your eyes unless you are pulling a Judas or you are a witch.
No sooner had I opened my eyes, than I noticed we were surrounded. At least they waited for the kiss to end, me thinks. How kind of them. We were out-numbered 4:1 and for those of you whose Mathematics is not on point, they were eight against Betty and I. The smallest of them was bigger than I. Any guy out there knows that you fight to the death to protect the woman you love. Good thing is that adrenalin helps sometimes, but eight guys! This one was going to be hard to hack even with 5 litres of adrenalin rushing through my arteries.
It is at that moment that your bladder becames a bit heavy and you know after it is all over, you will need to pee somehow. For those who have watched Legend of the Seeker, Richard Cypher and Kahlan Amnell take on more than eight Daharan soilders. I figured she can be Kahlan and I can be Richard. For those who have not watched, don’t bother looking for it. I know that part because I found my kid sister watching that scene. Back to reality and even if I am Richard, I do not have the sword of truth and even if Betty is Kahlan, she cannot confess anyone (I learnt all this from my sister, stop judging me).
I look at the gap between the smallest person and the second smallest person among them, I look at Betty who has seen the gap and read my mind. She shakes her head. I try to convince her with my eyes that I will hit the smallest person and she will get enough space to run but, NO, she says. I’m thinking either she cannot run or she thinks I will not take the guy down but just between you and I, I think she cannot run.
For some reason unknown to me, Betty removed her phone from her pocket and decided this was the best place to flaunt her phone to them in the name of calling for back up. The people who have us under siege decide that the first thing they want are our phones. No points for guessing the motivation is seeing Betty’s phone. I should mention that Betty’s phone is more expensive than mine and/but the accumulated value of her phone and mine can buy a vitz in black market or the radiator of a Range Rover. She puts her phone back in her pocket, slips her hand in my right pocket where she knows I put my phone and removes my phone, probably better than most pick pockets and I am praying my hackie does not fall off in the process. She gives me that look that tells me there is an even bigger gap now.
The moment my fist made contact with his nose, Betty took off at a speed that would put Usain Bolt to shame. They did not follow her. For the next two minutes, I fought them gallantly. I am told it was only a few seconds but their timing is way off. It was like 300 (the movie). Knowing that at one point you will fall but making sure you go down with as many people as you can. Then someone hit my rib cage and I almost swore he cracked them all. It was just one blow. He was the biggest of them all and had not even joined the fight. Then in a span of five minutes, they rained blows on me like their lives depended on it. The last thing I did before I went down was to count them. Eight! Perfect. None of them had gone after Betty. She was safe, she had kissed me and I could now die. I went down followed by a few kicks and the last thing I saw was that huge guy’s boot on top of my head, heading towards my head and being assisted by the speed of gravity.
No sooner had it made contact with my face than I woke up. I am shaken. I take my phone that I keep under my pillow at night. It’s purpose there is to act as my alarm and watch. It is 3:45 AM. Today has not come yet. There is a text message on my phone. I hope it is from Betty but no, it is from Safaricom. It hits me that the kiss was also part of the dream!
Moral of the story? I am going to the gym starting today! If they had not overpowered me, I would have won and it would not have been a dream and I would have been her hero!!!
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